Nobel Boy Wants My Endorsement

Location: Twin Palms, Palm Springs, CA

Al Gore calls me up. I didn't recognize him at first and thought he was Jimmy Bumpus from the booze factory calling about my monthly order of firewater.

"Talk"

"Mr. Sanahtra?"

"Yeah, hey Jimmy, listen I'm gonna' need a couple extra cases this month, things are cooking round here ya' know?'

"Uh, Mr. Sanahtra, this is Al."

"OK Al, same deal. Gonna' need about 4 more cases this month..."

"No, it's Al Gore."

"Al, baby, that movie bust your wallet? Whattya' doing working at Jack's"

He laughs that slow, hillbilly laugh, "Naw, naw, Mr. Sanahtra, I did awright on that felm. Mayde good money onnit, won an Aycadumy Ayward and today, see, this is why I'm callin', today, I won the Nobel."

"Well, good for you kid, listen, I'd love to talk, but I gotta' whiskey order call I'm waitin' on, so if you don't mind..."

"Why aren't ya' usin' the new eye-phone we sent you?"

"It came without buttons Al. Nothing. No buttons, no dials, just a paperweight. You guys really need to put some elbow grease in if it's ever gonna' sell."

Another slow laugh, "Nah, Mr. Sanahtra, ya' need to turn it ahwn. Did ya' read the instructshuns?"

"Instructions? For a phone? Kid, listen, I've been using a phone since Alexander Graham Bell. I don't need instructions to use a phone."

"This one's a little diff'rent, I'll send someone over to show ya' how it works. Your gonna' love it, trust me."

"That's fine Al. Just don't send any of them hippie freaks over here. I ain't Howard Huges, but I gotta' thing with the hygiene."

This one really got him laughing. Still slow though, "I get ya' drift Mr. Sanahtra. You really can make a guy laugh ya' know. But that's nawt why I called. I wanted to tell you that I'm thinkin' about runnin'."

"Yeah, sure kid, whatever, go for it. I hear it's good exercise and you could lose a few rolls my friend."

Laughing, "Huh, huh, stawp it Mr. Sanahtra, please. You're killing me. Too funny. Jus' too funny. Naw, I mean for the party."

"Kid really, if you need a few bucks, let me know. Don't go beggin' for a valet job at my next party. It's just pathetic pal. Let me know how much and The Chairman'll spring. Nothin' to be ashamed of. Even I've been down in the hole before. But I'd get outta' that phone business kid. It's sappin' your bankroll."

"Mr. Sanahtra. I intend to run for Pres'dent of The United Staytes."

"Well, Al, that's a fine way to get back on your feet, but maybe you should start smaller until you get your cash situation squared."

"Rally, Mr. Sanahtra, I'm fine in the money department. I'm sariously considerin' runnin' for the Democratic nomination. Tipper's pushin' me, Steve Jobs is pushin' me. I think I'm gonna' announce my candidacy today at the Nobel press conference I've got set up. I'd rally like to announce your support."

"You want my advice kid?"

"I most surely would Mr. Sanahtra."

"Sit on it. Don't do it, at least not now. You go up there and start blathering on about runnin' for President and you'll lose your shine boy. It'll look like you're just another opportunist. I mean you are just another opportunist, but there's no sense in wearing it like a cheap suit. Get the drift?"

"Uh-huh..."

"Let that black Irish guy, O'bama and the Clinton chick whack each other around for a while longer. You watch, they'll start beatin' the crap out of each other soon and before you know it kid, they'll both look like the worst thing to happen to the country since we elected the chimp we got now."

"He wasn't elected Mr. Sanahtra, he was..."

"Whatever. Don't interrupt me, I'm on a roll here kid."

"Sawry Mr. Sahnahtra."

"Look, this country has only elected one Irish guy and they ended up whacking him, right? You think they're gonna' go for a black Irish guy?"

"Well, he's not really an..."

"And a broad? Forget about it. The people will never go for it and believe me, I know the people. Trust me kid, go up and do your press dance about the Peace Prize, tell 'em you're goin' back to work on behalf of the world, or something airy fairy like that, wait a few months, then I'll tell you if you should run."

"Are you sure Mr. Sanahtra? I mean Tipper, Steve, even Andrea Mitchell..."

"Are you listening to me? You wanna take my advice or the advice of two broads and a hippie?"

"Well you gotta' point there sir."

"You bet your ass baby. Now go make nice with the press, keep 'em guessin' what you're gonna' do. Don't even take questions, just smile and wave. Capiche?"

"Loud and clear Chairman, loud and clear. Hey, thanks for hearin' me out. I've always trusted your political sense. You know, I always wondered why you nevah sought political office."

"Not enough money in it Jack."

"Um, it's Al, Mr. Sanahtra, Al, not Jack."

"Whatever Pal." (Some people just don't get the lingo.) "Oh and don't do the wife kissing thing. People gotta' eat ya' know."