Endorsement Central

Location: El Dago, 35,000 Feet

Apparently The Ol' Chairman is still a kingmaker. First Al, now this kid named Colbert called this afternoon. Maybe you've seen his show. I hadn't before I met him and I don't watch it now. I met Stevie a few weeks before I came back. Jilly introduced us. He thought Steve was funny as shit and usually Jilly's on the mark... usually, but not always.

Anyway, the kid Stevie wanted me to do my come back on his show. He kept askin' and I kept puttin' him off. Finally, I watched a few of his episodes on the Philco in the El Dago. It just wasn't my shot of Jack. No singin', no dancin', no dice. I declined. Apparently he was in a depression for weeks. He started drinking, fucking up his show and becoming a real 18 karat pain in the ass. I felt bad for him. I'd been down that road before, tied to the bottle and my own pity, so I sent him a "Thanks, Sinatra" gold lighter and a note with some tough love.

That's the thing about advice. You can give it to some people and they get it. Others ignore you and then try to ruin your dinner jacket with their tears later. Then there's cats like Steevo. Like I said, he called:

"Talk"

"I'm going to run for President."

The voice was breathless and excited. I thought it was Al just come off the treadmill (or worse, off of Tipper), so I said, "Listen, Al, I told you I'd let you know if and when the time was right. Go put up some windmills or something. Keep yourself occupied."

"No, Frank, it''s Stephen Colbert."

"Little Stevie! How ya' doin' baby."

"Better than the law should allow Mr. Blue Eyes, better than I deserve."

"That's great kid. Get your shit sorted out?"

"Oh yes sir, yes sir. I am completely sorted. I'm so sorted I'm indexed."

"OK, kid, don't try so hard. Maybe have someone write your material for you. No harm in that. You got the delivery down, you're just not a wordsmith. So what's the news?"

"Oh my God you haven't heard yet! Well Frank, you told me to come up with something big, something explosive, something unexpected."

"Enough of the hype kid. I was there. Cut to the car chase."

"I am running for President."

"Ok, ok, that bit might work, particularly for your audience. It's been years since Paulson used that bit, no one will remember. Not bad. Just be sure to hire those writers like I told you to. You could string out the laugh over a few shows."

"No Frank, I'm serious. I'm really running!"

"Sure you aren't still drinking?"

"No sir, I swear on the Constitution, just like I will in January '09, that I'm as dry as the Sahara and that I'm dead serious."

The kid was serious, I could hear it. I was windin' up for a tirade about what a stupid fucking move that would be, but I got to thinkin'. Serious or not, this could be the shot in the arm his career really needed. He'd get a bunch of free PR for sure, and hell, if he won...

"Yeah, so when you tellin' the world kid."

"I did it last night on my show... you really don't watch it do you?"

"Nah, kid. I make pictures, I don't watch 'em."

"Well, the world knows. So, what do you think?"

What the hell, huh? Why not string the kid out a little. Like I said, he might even win. Hell, Reagan won, and he was a washed up, never-was.

"Yeah kid, what the hell. As they say, you can't be any worse than what we got now, right?"

"Are you serious?" He sounded like a little kid on Christmas. "You really think I should do it?"

"Sure thing kid, I mean like you said, you already spilled to the world on the national tube, right?"

"Oh thank you Frank, thank you! And you'll help me, just like you did with JFK?"

"Absolutely Steevo. All the way pally."

"Oh my God and Father. This is incredible! Frank, I'm not just saying this because you're supporting me, but you are the finest representative this country has ever had. You are the brightest star on our precious flag, you..."

"Ok, ok, ok kid. Jeezus. Look, pry your lips off my ass for a second and listen to me. There are a few ground rules you're gonna' have to follow, ok? Here's lesson one in politics. When you get a yes, move on. Don't keep taking out the same loan over and over. Otherwise it'll come back as a no, get it?"

"Yes sir, I'm sorry Frank."

"And here's lesson number two... don't apologize. Apologies are for idiots and bathroom stall faggots. While we're at it, here's lesson three. If you're gonna' do this and have my support, you're gonna' have to listen to me, every step of the way. You fuck up once and I'm out, got it?"

"Absolutely."

"Good. Last but not least, and this is the most important lesson of all... this don't come free. If you get in, you're gonna' have to pay back a lot of markers, understand?"

"If I win, I'll do my best within the guidelines of the law of our great land."

"NO! YOU DON'T FUCKING GET IT DO YOU? YOUR BEST AIN'T ENOUGH!!!" I yelled, then went on, "Jacko said the same thing. You wanna' end up in a Dallas motorcade? No fucking around pal, this is serious. If you can't commit here and now to play ball, there ain't no sense in me setting up your funeral. If you're in, it's all the fuckin' way. So what's it gonna' be pal."

There was a long silence on his end, but it was fuck or walk time. If I was to pull the strings again, he had to know there was gonna' be a bill due at the end and this time, it had to get paid.

I pushed him, "You got 10 seconds kid, in or out."

He waited, then started singing "Hail to the Chief" and did a nice slide into "All The Way" then went on, "Yes, I'm there Frank. I'm going to the White House. I know how to play ball Frank, trust me, and if that's what it takes to get there, well, America needs me Frank and I'm willing to sacrifice even my principles for my country. You can tell your friends that I ain't no JFK. Hell, I'm not even a Democrat!"

"Alright kid, good. You keep campaigning on your show and I'll get in touch with you soon. Don't mention me supporting you yet, you understand? I gotta' get things lined up first." I wasn't even sure how far I'd go with this, but like I said, what the hell.

"I wont Frank, I won't. Thank you Frank. You have no idea how much this means to me. You are truly the world's greatest..."

I hung up the phone while he was still smootchin' my ass. You can only take so much of that, you know? Now I just gotta' figure out how to break the news to Al.

Jesus. Casinos, Sammy G and the boys, a comeback and now this. I am a thing of wonder, aren't I?